Evoking the Good Mirror: Emotionally Responsive Practice with Children

The Meeting House Team recently participated in a day long seminar sponsored by The Bank Street Graduate School of Education. One of our favorite speakers of the day was the keynote Dr. Lesley Koepel, LCSW and Director, Emotionally Responsive Practice at Bank Street and Networks for Schools That Heal. Her focus was in working with children using the concept of mirroring back to the child.

The “good” mirror leads with kindness and is validating, patient, displays empathy, and attempts to explore without judgement. It allows us to reflect the child’s experience without projecting our own feelings or judgement. This mirror promotes engagement between teacher and student and fosters bonds.

The “bad” mirror, on the other hand, is distorted and negatively reflects back your perspective and perception regarding what the child is presenting. It can distort their sense of reality without supporting and acknowledging their reality back to them. It becomes a barrier towards understanding the child and how their environment and life experiences may have contributed to the labels used to describe this individual. It hinders our ability to connect with others and form positive relationships. It contributes to feelings such as embarrassment, shame, and anxiety.

Koeppel contends that Emotionally Responsive Practice uses the “good” mirror. It accurately reflects what the person is experiencing including the range of emotions and experiences (perhaps traumatic) that have led the child to the moment they are in now. Emotionally responsive practice with children is similar to building a puzzle. Every piece fits together in a unique way and one missing link can interfere with our ability to see the complex narrative that makes up the whole child.

It is based on the fact that it is essential to understand the child from a biopsychosocial standpoint (seeing the whole picture). In other words, we must challenge ourselves to see and understand a child as a complex story, not just a chapter in isolation. As the “good” mirror, we are researchers and investigators. We ask questions rather than try to provide answers.

Our Meeting House programs are uniquely positioned to use the Emotionally Responsive Practice in our after school environment because the children are coming to us with a full day of interactions, experiences and feelings that will affect the way they behave and engage in program. We find that when we ask the right questions and point out patterns of behaviors, the child is able to join in a plan to better understand and manage their own behavior.